Life in the Fast Lane
by velocity37
Summary: There’s never a dull moment in the Old Farts Retirement home. If they’ve lived this long, one can assume they’ll live longer, happier lives. That is, unless they can survive each other.


**Author's Notes: **Some of you might be wondering why Peter is in this story. Well, I saw it fit that I make fun of him a little more. The reason why he is not in Azkaban is because he was so insane that he even frightened the Dementors. lol

**Summary:** There's never a dull moment in the Old Farts Retirement home. If they've lived this long, one can assume they'll live longer, happier lives. That is, unless they can survive each other.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters–only the plot.

**Life in the Fast Lane**

_Written by Velocity37_

"Now I've told you. You must take your medicine."

The old man sat in his chair with his lips pursed.

"You are as stubborn as your father was," the nurse said exasperated.

"You're trying to kill me as you did him!" The old man accused.

"Your father died of meanness. Believe me, if anyone can die of meanness, it was your father," the nurse implied knowingly. Draco muttered something under his breath and turned away.

"I'm not leaving until you take your medicine." The nurse put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "I have all day."

"You're going to need it." Draco sat back in his chair and folded his arms.

She was about to say something when a man hobbled over to them. He adjusted his glasses. "Having a problem with Malfoy again?"

She shifted the weight to her other leg. "Oh, just the usual. He won't take his medicine."

"Oh, I see. I can get him to take his medicine," Harry smiled.

"Really?" the nurse inquired with doubt. "How is that?"

Harry stood in front of Malfoy. He lifted up his cane and brought it smashing down on top of his foot. Malfoy opened his mouth howling in pain. The nurse threw his pills down his throat and followed it with a cup of water.

Malfoy sputtered a bit and rubbed his aching foot. "You all are in this together! It's a conspiracy, I tell you–a conspiracy to kill me!"

Harry waved his hand at him."Oh, shut up. All you do is complain."

Malfoy started to get up slowly. "Just wait till I get a hold of you, Potter. You'll be sorry!"

"You know where to find me," Harry taunted him. "By the time you get up, we'll be dead anyway."

"Curse you, Potter!" Malfoy called out as Harry strolled away grinning.

22

A man with flaming red hair came bursting through the door. "Where are dey?" he yelled frantically.

"Where's what?" a woman with the same red hair asked.

"My teef! I com fin me teef!" he screamed.

"Oh, Ron," Ginny exclaimed, "You're always losing your teeth. Why don't you keep them in your mouth where they belong?"

Ron wasn't listening. He was too busy searching for his teeth. "I hov to fin dem!"

Just then, a loud shriek was heard coming out of the bathroom.

"Oh, goob. Hermimee foum dem," Ron said, relieved.

A woman with wild brown hair with streaks of gray came walking out of the bathroom. "I believe these belong to you," Hermoine said dryly holding Ron's teeth in a small towel.

Ron smiled weakly and took them from her. He put them in his mouth.

Hermione looked nauseated. "How can you lose your teeth? Put them in a place where you can find them."

"I do! I forget where I put them." Ron told her defensively.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Do you have to set them on my night stand? I reached for my book and they nearly bit me!"

"They can't bite you by sitting on your table...but they can now!" Ron got a wicked smile on his face and started to make biting noised with his mouth.

"Oh, Ron... you are terrible... stop it this instant...." She made a step backwards as he moved towards her. "I mean it... grow up!"

She stumbled around the table with Ron slowly in pursuit.

"Admit it, Hermione. You still like it when I chase you," Ron teased, "At this rate though, I'll never catch you like I used to."

Hermione had a faint smile on her face as she slowed down her pace around the tables. "You are so bad Ron."

"Just the way you like it," Ron drawled.

22

Peter sat crouched down in the corner. He peered out at everyone under his coke-bottle glasses. "Cheese! I need cheese!"

"You've already eaten your block of cheese for the day, Peter," the nurse admonished him gently.

"I need more! I have to have more!" he babbled excitedly.

She patted him on the head and walked away. He was trembling and his lips were quivering. "Quit eating all of my cheese, you intolerable gits! It's mine! All mine!" he shouted at no one in particular. No one in particular paid attention to him.

Harry stopped by to torment Peter for a few minutes as he does every day. "What are you crying about Pettipew? Let me guess. You need cheese. Pity you can't have any like a rat deserves."

He proceeded to sit down in front of him. "I think I'll eat my lunch right here today."

He pulled a sandwich out of his bag and waved it in front of Peter. "You know what this is, Pettipew?"

Peter nodded his head and licked his lips.

"That's right. It's a cheese sandwich." He watched him with an amused smile on his face.

"Do you know what I'm going to do with it?" Harry ridiculed. "I'm going to sit right here and eat it. That's what!"

He lifted the sandwich to his mouth and paused. He held it out to Peter. "Do you want a bite?"

Peter's mouth was watering as he nodded furiously. Harry waved it closer to him. "Just a little bite?"

Peter moved closer to sniff the aroma of the sandwich. "Yes, please, just a little morsel..."

Harry jerked it out of his reach. "Well, you can't have any! It's mine! All mine!" he mimicked Peter's squeaky voice. "I don't like rats so I don't feed them."

He continued eating the sandwich in front of a dejected Peter, making sure to enjoy every bite. "Delicious!" He smirked.

22

Ron and Hermione became tired from chasing each other around the tables and sat down. "I need a nap," Ron yawned.

"I'm going to do some reading." Hermione nestled into a chair and pulled out her favorite book, The Know-it-all's Guide to Getting Old.

Ron shrugged his shoulders. "Why do you bother to read? You don't remember it an hour later."

"I can still read, Ron," Hermione sniffed.

"Oh, yeah? You've been on page one for a week."

Hermione dismissed him with her hand.

22

Malfoy shuffled into the large room looking furious.

"Who took it?" he demanded.

"Took what?" Harry asked uninterested.

"You know what!" Malfoy growled. "My hair gel–who took it? I want it back immediately!"

"Why? You only have one strand of white hair on your head," Harry chortled.

"It's not white! It's blonde! Malfoys don't get gray hairs!" he said smugly.

"No, they just cause them," Ron quipped.

"Well, I outta...." Malfoy moved towards him.

"Outta what?" Ron countered.

"Well, I ... don't remember. What was I looking for?" Malfoy scratched his head.

"Beats me. I'm doing good to remember my own name." Ron frowned.

"Don't tell me." Malfoy rubbed his chin. "It will come to me."

"You keep thinking, Malfoy. And when you finally do remember, I still won't care." Ron made his way to his bedroom. "I'm taking a nap."

"Terrible dreams!" Malfoy called out. "Now, what was I looking for?"

22

Everyone gathered in the dining room for their dinner. Bowls of brown and green mush appeared in front of them. Harry poured some green goo onto his plate.

"The food sure isn't what it used to be," he sighed wistfully. Hermione made a face and pushed her plate away. Ginny looked at it as if it was getting ready to crawl off of her plate. They all looked over at Ron who was shoveling it into his mouth quickly.

"How can you eat this stuff?" Harry asked him, appalled.

"It's the highlight of my day." Ron paused long enough before he continued shoving more mushy beans into his mouth.

"Ron was always fond of dinnertime," Hermione stated, bemused.

"If this is the highlight of your day, Ron, you lead a sad life." Ginny curled up her nose. "I can't...no, I won't eat this."

"I would rather starve," Hermione responded.

"As long as you aren't going to eat it...do you mind?" Ron inquired shyly.

"Go ahead, Ron. You can have it." Hermione pushed her plate towards him. He grabbed it and poured the goo into his plate and continued to eat.

"Well, here goes." Harry shuddered as he lifted the food to his mouth.

"I refuse to eat this," Draco huffed. "It's not even fit for a ferret."

"Then it's perfect for you," Ron retorted.

Peter jumped up and started yelling, "I have ants in my pants!"

Everyone ignored him. They've seen these outbursts many times and have grown accustomed to his fits of insanity.

"If this is all we have to look forward to, I'm ready to go right now," Ginny murmured.

"Are you going to eat that?" Ron queried.

22

Later in the evening everyone congregated in the game room. It was time for fun and games for all to enjoy. Ron and Harry were embroiled in a serious game of chess. Ron went to make a move with his knight.

"What are you doing? It's my turn," Harry protested.

"You just moved your rook," Ron sighed heavily.

"I did?" Harry look confused.

"Yes, for the third time. Can I move now?" Ron asked, aggravated.

"Go ahead. Who's stopping you?" Harry declared, looking innocent.

Ron shook his head and captured his rook. "I don't know why you play me after all these years. I always win."

"I was hoping you would get senile before me so I can win at least once before I die,"

Harry fumed.

"You better hurry. Time is running out," Ron laughed. "It's your turn."

"I just went. I moved my rook." Harry gave him a strange look.

"That was the last turn. I captured it." Ron raised his hands.

"Alright, then," Harry spat. He studied each piece for what seemed like hours.

"Would you hurry up? We'll both be dead by the time you make your move." Ron replied, irritated.

"Quit hurrying me. It has to be just right." Harry studied it more and finally made a move. Ron immediately snatched another one of his game pieces and sat it in his corner.

"Not my castle!" Harry yelled.

"Maybe you shouldn't think so long," Ron suggested.

"You know where you can stick that castle. I quit." Harry stomped his foot.

"Again? We've only played five games," Ron guffawed. "How about one more. It might be your lucky game."

Harry twisted his lips. "OK, one more. Beware. I'm going to win this time."

"Sure you are, mate." Ron smiled cunningly.

22

Draco breezed by them to get a seat at the bingo table. He made another player get up and move. "That's my lucky seat. Get up!" he roared. The guy promptly jumped out of the seat and moved to another one.

"Do you have to sit there every night?" Ginny questioned him.

"Yes, I do. I can sit where I want. This is my chair and it brings me luck," Malfoy stated.

"You win because the others don't remember to cover their numbers," Ginny noted sarcastically.

"Whatever works. You do what you have to." Draco implied with no guilt.

"You are a mean person," Ginny said flatly.

"Thanks!" Malfoy sneered at her.

22

Peter was in a different corner. He never played any of the games. He spent every hour in a corner yelling at people to stay away from his cheese. Nobody was ever near him.

Hermione was curled up in a chair reading her book. She was oblivious to all around her. She was in her own world.

Harry was accusing Ron of cheating. Ron just laughed. He heard this every night.

Draco hollered "Bingo" several times. Ginny uttered a sigh. She didn't enjoy winning as much as Draco. She hated cheating the others out of their galleons.

Draco piled up his galleons and whistled.

"Don't you have any morals?" Ginny asked, disgusted.

"Why have morals? I wouldn't have all these galleons." He looked at her as if she was crazy for even mentioning such a thing. She gave up. She'll never get through to him. She took her small pile and got up.

"More for me," Draco muttered under his breath.

Each day continues on in the same boring fashion but they all enjoy each other's company–although some would never admit it.

Therefore, this ends another exciting day at The Old Farts Retirement Home.

_El fin!_


End file.
